is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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