I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
