She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize