you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
