I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize
