Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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