Barsexuality is the new black.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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