Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
