I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
