Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
