We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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