ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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