Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
