I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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