why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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