She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize