Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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