You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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