shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Your tits are I can't wait for
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
