I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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