I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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