how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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