I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
