totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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