A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
