WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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