Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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