farters have to be the big spoon...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
