I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
