Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
