checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
