Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
