And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
