Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
