we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
