dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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