I accidentally had phone sex last night
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
