It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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