I just pynch a tree in the face
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I need to sanitize my soul.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
