My liver just broke up with me...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
