When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
