a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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