New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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