When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize