it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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