why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My pussy is not your playground.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
