I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
