Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
