actually, I'm a sock model
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
