The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize