My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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