My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
