i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
