This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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