I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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