I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
