you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize