I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
