Just fell off a train. Bad.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
