when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
