I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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