what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
