The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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