id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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