My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
