Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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