I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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