you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize
